Please Don't Ask
Content Warning: spinal injury, child's injury, and trauma
“We may eventually be willing and able to share the details of Ellie’s fall and injury, and our experiences in the minutes and hours right afterward. But we don’t want to relive it multiple times right now. We know you’re curious, but it’s even harder for us when we filter the story to protect you from the worst of it.”
This is an excerpt from a Facebook post I shared in the early days of Ellie’s hospitalization. After just a few times being asked what happened, I realized that even as I opted not to share the horrific details of her accident, I was reliving every eternal “time stopped” moment, every panicked thought, every worst fear of the initial moments when it happened. I was absorbing and reabsorbing the worst of the experience without gaining any benefit from the support people intended to offer with their question.
According to the Mayo Clinic, “recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event” and “reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (or “flashbacks”)” are part of the intrusive memory symptom that can accompany post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
I was grateful to have friends who immediately and absolutely honored this request. I had one friend who years later said she still wasn’t sure whether it was ok to ask about what had happened.
As Brene Brown has said, “Clear is kind.” I offered people a very clear request about how I wanted to receive support. Our family, friends, and acquaintances followed our instructions and offered us some relief from our own intrusive memories. They also offered some diversion and distraction by following another suggestion I shared.
“Please DO ask how she’s doing today, how we are doing today, what’s going well, and what could be better. Ask us about our care providers and how amazing they are. Or tell us about the things in your life—your kids, your flat tire, your funny interaction at Target. We miss the mundane things of life, and are happy to live them vicariously through you—it’s a welcome, momentary escape for us.”
If you are a parent fielding questions from others that aren’t helpful—you have permission to set a boundary and ask for what you need. It is ok to be clear so others can support you in ways that are truly helpful.
If you are a friend of someone who is going through something difficult, and you have any concern that your ways of supporting them aren’t helpful, please ask. Even if they seem surprised by the question, they may be relieved to have someone who truly gets it by asking—rather than assuming—what will be most helpful.
Written by Carina, who is a mother of a daughter who experienced a life-threatening spinal injury. Carina first participated in Alongside’s Wellbeing Group and has now successfully helped facilitate a Wellbeing Group as a facilitator with lived experience, and continues helping spread Alongside’s message.